Hello again.
Unlike the more recent blogs I’ve written, this one doesn’t appear to have much of a point. I noticed it had been almost a month, and although I don’t feel the need to blog again, I am at that stage of the night where loneliness kicks in, and I feel the need to talk. I could complain about my mother and how much of a sadistic tyrant she’s become, creating herself to be the next Scrooge. But that isn’t important.
I know this sounds odd, but after reading the book series I got addicted to (Darren Shan’s The Demonata), it often discusses the ‘greater good’. How a few people’s deaths here and there didn’t matter, so long as the millions still lived. And although I don’t agree with the idea that people’s lives are not important, the idea can be applied to life.
For example. Things that people do wrong to me should be easily forgotten, in contrast to the acts of pure hatred that could of occured. I should forget about my mum acting like a bitch towards me, because atleast she’s not slapping me silly and throwing me out of the house.
Wow, that’s rather cheerful for a christmas blog.
Anyway, it’s Boxing Day, and I want to wish everyone who reads this a belated merry christmas. Despite how it sounds, mine was rather good, and I had lots of fun, and didn’t eat too much. I also went to the cinemas today to see Sherlock Holmes (which is amazing!), so life isn’t bad at all.
After another 4 nights, I’ll be waking up to be 16. I know nothing will change, and everyone tells me it’s no different to being 15. But I’m going to make sure it is. Everyone does in fact control their own lives. Granted, people may not become astronauts like they wanted to grow up to be, but some things are always out of reach. What I’m trying to say is that if you aim realistically, you can do whatever you want and achieve whatever you want with your life. So I’m ensuring that whilst I’m 16, I do something of importance that is beneficial, that I never did or couldn’t do when I was younger. That’s the vow I’m making myself.
Now, I don’t quite know how long it’s been since we last spoke, but no matter how long, you still mean just as much to me as you did then. Whoever you are.
I don’t know who you are. You could be anyone. You could be my best friend. The person i go to first when I need someone. You could be my boyfriend, the person who comforts me and looks after me. You could be a great friend who talks about real things with me. You could be anyone. But you’re still reading this. So thankyou. I guess.
Being honest, I don’t really know why you read this. You could be just a bit nosey about my life, or you could just be curious, or maybe (just maybe) you find my thoughts intriguing and thoughtful. But I’m betting it’s the first one.
Anyway. I never read back my old blogs. But i know what they’re about. I know that my blog before last, I was having a lot of doubts. And that’s what I’m going to talk about.
Doubt is never a positive. It’s not the same as caution. Caution is being careful whilst doing something. Caution is staying alive. Whereas Doubt is much worse. Doubt is what stops us from living life as we should. Doubt stops us asking out the pretty girl with the beautiful smile. Doubt stops us trusting the people most trustworthy. Doubt holds us all back.
So this is my apology.
Josh. I know you don’t read this. You probably never will. I never discuss this blog with you, it isn’t important. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry that i could ever doubt me and you. It was holding us back. And I hate that. I know that I want to spend forever with you. If your parents have managed it, surely we can. This weekend was the best in my life. Each night when we’d fall asleep next to each-other, and in the morning’s when you’d be the first thing I’d see. I want forever to be like that. Where I can wake up to see you smiling down at me, and when I can snuggle up to you watching a DVD, like we did last night. It was amazing. Thank-you for not letting me go, each and every time you promised me you wouldn’t. I love you.
Lizzy. You probably don’t hear about half the doubts I have. Sometimes I doubt whether we will be friends who grow old loving each-other. Like those old ladies in manchester complaining. I doubt that we can last like that. But i know we can. You may end up somewhere else. You may end up in Australia teaching. But I know that I want you in my life. No matter when I get grumpy and irritable, I want you with me. No matter how gay that sounds.
Honestly. I hate doubting things in life which make life worth living. Try to ignore those doubts. Be cautious if you will, but never doubt the blessings in life.
characterized by tenderness, compassion, and sympathy for people and animals, esp. for the suffering or distressed:humane treatment of horses.
2.
of or pertaining to humanistic studies.
Fully little opening for you there, i know.
You see, here’s thing thing. Okay, i have a lot of doubts about myself. That isn’t unknown. I question myself a lot. And to get rid of these questions, i generally ask a nearby friend.
And i hear a lot how nice i am. I hear a lot how i’ll “go the extra mile”, how i care a lot more about others than myself.
Now, I’m not putting all that there to fill my ego. The reality is, I’m doing what everyone should. I’m being humane. As a human being, i thought that was natural. But it turns out it isn’t. We’re living in a society now, where the term humane doesn’t fit the race it should belong to.
Anyway, that was short.. and had a point. So i shall be off.
Good night. I love you xxx
Hello there again.
It’s weird, but recently, practically every night, for the past month or so, I’ve had an idea what to blog about. I’ve even started a few. But i never got very far. I love how a person’s mind can hold so many different thoughts and feelings and opinions.
But today, whilst waking home from the bus-stop in the rain, I just felt like discussing change. I like to think that I’ve changed quite a lot within the past year. I probably haven’t. But i know how I view myself has changed. This year has just been a really crap year for me. And i know it’s only going to feel worse up until february.The truth is, I’ve felt pretty crappy this year, rather constantly. Although i know i’m not the only one. I think people choose to believe that as soon as April14th came and i met Josh, I just stopped being sad. That’s not true. People don’t ever really change your life. You just think they have.
Being honest, if Josh wasn’t in my life, I could still be the person I am now. I could be going out with Luke still. I could be going out with other amazing people who mean a lot to me. I could be single. I could be happy, i could be depressed. I could feel secure in life, or i could feel highly neurotic. In reality, none of it really matters. What’s happened has happened.
And all we can do is adjust.
I’m not ignorant. I am most deffinataly not as foolish as i was a year ago. A year ago,. i thought love could last forever. I thought that I could find my happy ending at the age of 14. I thought i was in love. I’m a 15-year-old girl. I have the rest of my life to discover love.
I’m going to talk about Josh for a minute. And I’m going to be completely honest. I know that me and him won’t last forever. I don’t even think we’re going to last that long. I tell him i love him, because that’s how i think i feel? I haven’t experienced life enough yet to understand feelings and emotions. I know we won’t last forever. And it hurts that i know that. His parents were together from when they were our age. I think he expects us to do the same. I hate that. I hate how naive he is. And i hate that I’m his first girlfriend. If me and him don’t work out, I’m going to be the bitch that broke up with him. The bitch that broke his heart. And i don’t like the idea of that. Don’t get me wrong, I do love him, or at least i think i do. But i know that it won’t last forever. And i won’t lie, I get mad at Josh quite a lot. Sometimes, i find him vulgar, and he seems to be like every other guy. But then sometimes, i can just lie down with his arms around me, and feel completely safe. I’ve never had that before. The first time i kissed him, we were stood outside the youth centre on June 7th. I felt the spark that makes a kiss so exciting and new. I know sparks fade.
I’ll adjust to everything when it all goes downhill.
I don’t really know what i’ve written. I don’t want to re-read it. I didn’t even really discuss change. I may do that for another day.
Hello one and all.
Well… most likely one. Hello you.
I’m not really sure what I want to blog about. I mean.. there’s nothing i ever need to blog about, but it’s just I’m away for the weekend, and i want to just… write something… before i head off. So, I’m say here, In a tee-shirt and underwear, sat down in my dark room at a computer, trying to think.
Not a lot’s crossing my mind. There’s the odd annoyance, the odd thought about Josh, the off memory about my day./ Nothing i want to really bother you with. It’s nothing that’s affecting me, so it’s nothing that really affects you. So i don’t want to write it.
All writing’s pointless. It doesn’t matter how many people read it, and when they read it, and where they are when they read it. Ultimately, my little internet blog isn’t going to change lives. And i think it’s an exaggeration when people say a book changed their live. Ultimately, it’s just made up of words, all of which are just made up of letters. And those letters and those words could be put together in a completely different fashion, and come up with something completely different that means’s nothing. Which means that letters have to make up the right words, words have to make the right sentences, and those sentences have to hit you with the right feeling. And that’s very difficult to do.
Sometimes i feel a pressure to say the right words. But no matter what, those words don’t really mean much. They should mean just as much if somebody else said it. But they never seem to.
For example. I can tell you that everything’s going to be okay. I could tell you that life get’s better, that it’s looking up, that you’re heading for that silver lining. But what do i know? I know nothing about your life. You may not want to head up. You may not care how bad life can get. You may not mind feeling like crap. Some people get used to it. But sometimes, me, or anyone, saying those words can make a difference. I guess that’s good, even if it is empty. Whatever.
Hmm… don’t know where that one came from. I’m guessing I’;ve still got hair dye fumes roaming about in my head. Wouldn’t surprise me. Or it could be nail varnish fumes. I’m just painting my nails for the weekend. Not that you care that much. Just thought i’d let you know.
Anyways… I’m going to head off. I’m just rambling now, and i could go on all night.
I love you.
I honestly find Paramore’s new album just amazing. Their music is getting better every album, and although there are amazing songs to choose, i decided to go for this one. It’s a little slower than most songs, and I’m just in one of those laid-back, calmer moods. So yeah. I hope you enjoy.
Hello all. I believe i told you I’d be all good again. I knew it, and i bet you all did to. Life seems good again.
My best friend is back, and better than ever. In fact, we went to go see The Cribs last night. And that was rather immense. Although she royally p***ed off the guy sat next to her, who kept giving her dirty looks. Amazing night though. And after telling Josh what was wrong with me, he said sorry, and now we’re better than ever. And I love it. And my friends are just as amazing as ever. Although i did punch one of them last night. Oh well.
Anyway. Lizzy was telling me that she had a conversation with Josh, and that his parents had been together since they were teenagers. I’m his first girlfriend. I honestly hope to be his last. I know this sounds stupid, but if his parents can last together, i honestly think me and him can. It’s given me hope. I may get annoyed with him sometimes, and i may sometimes just want to hang around with another guy, to get my space. But i do love him. We were talking the other night. He called me cute and perfect. I stated that i was awkward and short and inappropriate. His response? “It’s because of all those things that you are cute Emma. That and because of the little persons voice you have, that way of talking that could make me do anything, the way you mess with your fringe and lift your little nose while you do it, the way that you sit cross-legged that’s so different to everyone else and makes you seem so much smaller, the way you have to stand on your tiptoes to kiss me, it is so adorable and how when you kiss me, everything else seems to stop and all i know is that i’m with the person i love and that i never want the kiss to end. I love you. P.S. and you have an incredible body 😉 Grrrr! ;)” See what I mean? You cannot say if you found someone who honestly thinks things like this about you, that you wouldn’t want to hold onto them forever. I’ll admit… i still know that we could finish. But that doesn’t bother me. I get to cherish every moment.
And I honestly think that’s what we have to, or atleast should do.I mean, okay. If you’ve just had your heart broken (and i do know what i’m on about here) then you can’t regret things, or crave how they used to be. Regretting will only bring you sadness, and craving will only make you desperate and disappointed.
It got to that point in my life, where i stopped caring about things. I mean, of course i care. I do care about everything. But, I don’t let it bother me. If someone’s complaining about me, all i can do is be myself, and if they don’t like it, there’s nothing i can do. I’m not going to upset myself over someone else’s problem. Life doesn’t work like that. And when things do go wrong, i have people there to hold me when i need to cry.
I’ve started to think about death a lot recently. Well, since Chris. I miss him a lot, like I’m sure you do. But it’s weird. It still hasn’t hit me that he’s gone. I was crying for about a week each night. But i still expect to see him walk into school. I expect to see his face to pop round the door in physics, tell Mr McGuinness why he was late, and then him have to walk to the box with all our books in. And for him just to joke about something or other, most likely just say “Y’alright Meg? Where’s your pink hat?”. And even thinking about this in depth isn’t upsetting me. I’m not crying now. I can’t. I miss him. But there’s nothing i can do. I know he’s up there looking down on us all, and that’s a good enough thought for me… that atleast now, he doesn’t have Miss Smith having a go at him for messing about in Maths.
I’m not sure if everyone who reads this is aware of this, but my Uncle Pete committed suicide about 3 and a half years ago. And i really miss him aswell. He used to come round every christmas, and give me his present, and ask me for a kiss, and then go outside for a smoke, come back in, and play with me and Dave. And Christmas was always a good time. Mum, Dad, Gran, Dave, me and Uncle Pete. Sat round the table, pulling crackers and digging in to the turkey.
And, i really miss Dave. He went off to uni last week, and although me and him aren’t really close, and we never really spoke much, i just remember the times when we did. For example, during the summer holidays, or just at some weekends. We’d both just be walking about in our pajamas, and then he’d set up his playstation3 downstairs, and we’d just play on Little Big Planet, or Resistance, or anything. And then he’d make me something to eat or get me a drink when he was going himself. I wish I’d cherished those moments more. So that i could remember what everything was like. What the weather was like outside, what we had to eat, what it tasted like, what we joked about, why we were both at home. Just things like that.
Anyway… my rambling’s gone on long enough. Unlucky to those who read this far.
I love you.
I don’t know if you all listen to Jimmy Eat World. But you should. I think they’re amazing. And most people have heard “The Middle”. But i was watching One Tree Hill (first and last time ever) and this song was on it, and it’s kind of got me addicted since then. It’s who i put on whilst Josh is in my room, playing gamecube or just talking. ANYWAY. I just think they’re beautiful to listen to. So yeah. Enjoy.
My apologies to those readers who’ve been anticipating some sort of blog. But i did say I’d blog when i felt like it.
Whenever i blog after a while, i always feel like i have some sort of expectations to live up to, but i don’t.
I’ve had a lot of things run through my head about what i could blog about. I mean, there was honesty,innocence, seeking perfection, and the list goes on. But this blog most likely won’t be about anything specific. I’m just typing. I’m typing what i think and feel right now. And right now, I can’t seek perfection, i lost my innocence and my honesty is dashed.
My life on paper:
-I have an amazing best friend, who although isn’t around right now, is still in my heart. -I have an amazing boyfriend, who loves me, and thinks i’m beautiful even when i’m playing football -I have an amazing group of friends who are there to hug and play charades with -I have some extra special friends that come visit me at lunch to rip up leaves and chat -I’m clever, and can do pretty much all the work i’m set -I have a roof over my head and my family support me whenever needs be
My life in my head:
-Why is my boyfriend suddenly acting like such a pig towards me? I’m not just someone who he can f*** and move on… what the hell? -I can’t believe my best friend has left me… everything seems so lonely without her Why am i so bloody cruel? And why can’t i just be in love with 1 guy. Why can’t i just be with him.. and be happy, instead of falling for another guy, even though me and him can’t be together. WHy am i such a bitch that i can’;t do what i should do, and leave him alone, for his sake…. even though i love him to pieces. Why is everything so bloody difficult! Why can’t my parents leave me alone, and my can’t people see that i’m falling through the cracks here!
See what i mean? Life is so different depending on your perspective. And it’s weird, even though i’m living my life, feeling every moment, experiencing what i can, i can still view it through someone else’s eyes. And i don’t really care what they see.
I know I’m a bad person. I know i’m not special. I know i’m not good looking, and that i can be argumentative and moody. I know that. I don’t need people to tell me that i am, or that i’m otherwise. I am who i am… I can’t help it that i hate myself for being a total bitch. It’s just who i am. And don’t worry, i do hate myself for it.
Believe it or not, today’s actually been good. I spent the day with friends, i spent lunch with Alex, ripping up leaves and just chatting, i spent prefecting time playing charades and laughing, and i spent part of sociology chatting to Alex. And that made me happy. We wrote a note. It made me giggle. It still does. I have it here with me. Alex. I’m sorry. You know why. I’ve already said it. But I’ll never let it go. I honestly am deadly sorry.
I miss the good old days. The days when you get a little electric shock when you grabbed a boys hand. The days when a kiss was a thrill. The days when you could do what you want, and the consequences wouldn’t make you feel terrible guilt. Those days when i was happy. I could talk to whomever i wanted, and no-one would care. No-one would give me weird looks or pass sly comments. Those are the days i want back.
Anyway.. i’m going to finish off rambling.
Although there’s just a line from a James Morrison song i wanna put. I know it’s nerdy.. but it’s kind of how i feel sometimes. In fact.. screw it.. i’ll put the lot in.:
Love Is Hard I see lovers in the streets
Walking without a care
They wear it out loud
Like there’s something in the air
Oh well, I don’t careThey’re treading lightly
No they don’t sink in
There’s no tracks to follow
They don’t care where they’re going
And if they’re lucky yeah they’ll they’ll get to see
And if they’re really really lucky
They’ll get to feelAnd it kicks so hard
It breaks your bones
Cuts so deep
It hits your soul
Tears you skin
And makes your blood flow
It’s better that you know
That love is hardLove takes hostages
And gives them pain
Gives someone the power
To hurt you again and again
Oh but they don’t careAnd if they’re lucky yeah they’ll they’ll get to see
And if they’re really really lucky
Then they’ll get to feel
And if they’re they’re truely blessed
Then they’ll get to believe
And if you’re damned, you’ll never let yourself be deceivedAnd it kicks so hard
It breaks your bones
Cuts so deep
It hits your soul
Tears your skin
And makes your blood flow
It’s better that you know
That love is hardAnd it kicks so hard
Breaks your bones
Cuts so deep
It hits your soul
Tears your skin
And makes your blood flow
It’s better that you know
That love is hardIt kicks so hard
It breaks your bones
It cuts so deep
It hits your soul
Tears your skin
And makes your blood flow
It’s better that you know
That love is hard
Love is hard
Love is hardIf it was easy it wouldn’t mean nothing, no!
I love you.
xxxxx
Sorry that it’s not a proper video, and that it just has a picture. But I love this song, and it’s just something i like. Your welcome 🙂
Well, I’ve started off a million different blogs… but i’m going to stick with this one. It’s helping me procrastinate.
I’m happy.
I’ve been depressed. But now i’m happy.
I like bright things.
I like my sunglasses… they’re bright.
I have amazing friends who care for me and love me.
So yeah… life is pretty amazing.
These hormones run rampant
Life becomes so difficult
What’s love and what’s lust
What does it matter.
I don’t know what that’s about.
Love you “I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor”
Well.. I do… but you’re not supposed to suspect anything.
Before any of you go making assumptions, no, me and josh are not having troubles. We’re still as great as ever.
And no… i haven’t fallen in love with Luke.
Life’s good. We can fake a smile and fake a laugh. But life’s still good.
I would apologise for not posting for the past 9 days or so, but noone’s over bothered, except for James.
Oh, speaking of James. I’m presuming all those who read this were aware that we’d fallen out. That’s in the past now. We’re good once again, and i hope it says that way.
Well, let me fill you in from the 15th.
On the 15th i went into Manchester with Mark. Me and him made a teddy bear called Dr Donnelly. I then went to Josh’s. That was good.
On the 16th, was nataly’s birthday party. I was dressed like a whore. It was fun. Me and James made up. I got bullied for being short. And whatnot.
On the 17th-21st i was on Work Experience. It was good. I mean, i had to get up early and whatnot, and it could be boring as hell at some points, but i loved socializing with some of the people in the office, and looking back, it was just really good.
On the 22nd (yesterday) i spent the whole day with Josh. We met at around about 11, and walked to Tesco’s, bought some ice-cream and spoons, then went to Cheethams Park to eat it. Then we lay down on the grass for about an hour and just talked. Then we went climbing. The whole day the breeze was blowing up my skirt. So that was embarrassing. But whatever. Then we went to Stamford Park and hung out walking and whatnot. Then he came back to mine. That was fun. Then we dropped him off. A pretty mint day to be honest 🙂
And today, Sunday 23rd August. Well, Fuse On was on as always. So i dragged myself out of bed, and got ready for Oldham. I spent the day with Josh Josh and Josh (Josh, Fergy and Brierly) and it was good. It was mostly juts chatting and me being bullied, but it was fun. And that’s that really.
I think what’s best is what i have planned for this week. Basically, a walk in tandle hills, Alton Towers, cinemas, a day at Joshua’s, a day at mine, and then another day with Joshua. I cannot wait.
So, life is good. I mean, i never really think life, in general, is bad. It isn’t. We all may have some bad moments and experiences. But that doesn’t make life bad. Everybody’s different. That’s true. We can’t compare our lives to someone else’s. I can’t hate my life because i don’t have the same amount of money to spare as my cousins, or i don’t have the same good looks as my friends. I totally accept myself for who i am. And i don’t think we can regret our lives. Otherwise, what are we living for?
Oh, i feel bad. This blog isn’t especially long, and doesn’t really cover for the days i missed. But, i have stuff to do. I need to pack for a sleepover. 🙂
Oh, and, I’m going to like… 3 concerts within 2 weeks. I cannot wait.
I love you.
That song is Fireflies by Owl City. I know it isn’t everyone’s sort of music, but i really like Owl City. And I’ve recommended them to a few friends, and they seem to approve. So give it a listen if you want. Although James, you won’t like it. I know it.
I guess if you’re reading this, you’ve already understood that i am no longer blogging at my 5odoemm address. Well, you should already know the reason then. So, i guess i shall just tell you what to expect.
I will still post upset blogs if that’s how I’m feeling.
I’m going to attempt to stop cussing, but, if I’m upset, i can’t promise anything.
I’m not going to follow trends, and i won’t follow a schedule.
I’ll try and not just post about how bored i am at the time.
My posts will be about my life, who i am, and what i think. This will mean occasional rants and philosophical stuff. But, if you’re interested, you will still get to hear about my day. There will also most likely be a few reveiws, of films I’ve been to see, and i will let you know any good songs i know or good films.
I think that’s all for now.
Welcome Home.
Please remember that I love you.
xxx
This song is just one that I’ve been listening to recently, and i can guarantee you won’t of really heard of it, and you may not like it. But i love the video.
A Second Shot by Emma O'Donnell 